Sunday, May 20, 2007

A series of hypothesis statements....

Based upon a day at Canada's Wonderland.

1. If you wish to get your face painted, then you might be forced to contemplate what you will look like with a negative image of flowers burned onto your skin by the sun.

2. If your sunscreen has glitter in it, then chances are, it is a shitty sunscreen and you will end up with a third degree burn.

3. If you wear a halter top, with a spaghetti tank top underneath, and a long beaded necklace, with matching wrist cuffs, then your tan lines will look as though a pre-school aged child started a "paint-by-numbers" picture with only two colours (a) Albino white & (b) Fire-Engine Red.

4. If someone suggests going on Top Gun at 1pm, then you should say "Hells No", due to the fact that a 3 hour wait for a 3 second ride is ridiculous.

5. If a little fat Chinese kid sharts himself in front of you and his friends are taking a picture at that exact moment, then you will show up in their digital image holding your nose.

6. If a Gino strolls up and tries to cut in the Top Gun line after you have been waiting for an hour and half, and he is decked out like A.C. Slater, then you should, Nay, you must, ask him where Jessie Spano is.

7. If you normally wear heels {or a mini skirt and knee high boots} to something like Sars-a-palooza, or to camp, then your idea of practical shoes may be a little skewed and you will need to buy a new pair of flip flops before you become permanently crippled.

8. If you desperately crave a "Strawberry & Banana {lactose-free....YEAH BABY!} Chill" then it is guarenteed to be the single solitary thing the Park will have run out of. But there are eleventy-seven-hundred Pizza Pizza joints.

9. If you see a 50 year old man, with a grey pony-tail, sporting a pair of ageing purple spandex shorts with a tight T-shirt, then it is mandatory to ask him why he is smuggling grapes into the park.

10. If you are exhusted and ever so ready to be tucked into bed in London with your Boy, then his car will go "thump-ity-thump-ity KAbOOm", just outside of the Guelph service station. At 10:30 pm. On the long weekend. As the rain pours down. Making you have to pee. Again.

11. If the tow-truck driver gives you a funny look when he arrives after 11pm as you finagle your way in the rain, in a pair of flip flops, on the grassy shoulder of the highway, as the transport trailers attempt to play a game of "Run over the unfortunate pedestrain", then you should remember that people your age don't normally have half their face painted like a flower garden.

12. Moreover, if you call the tow-truck driver "Dude!", when he says something colourful, he will laugh his ass off at you.

13. Furthermore, however, he will tell you that you both are the coolest customers he has ever had by the time you stop for a pee/coffee/smoke break in Woodstock, due to the fact that you broke the ice with "Dude!". And you will say, without a glimmer of doubt in your mind, because you are a narcissitic assclown, "I AM the most awesome".

14. If the aforementioned situation with the glitter-y broken spf-y promises occurs and you have yet to actually examine the damage in a mirror, 1 am is probably not the time to do so. Because you are exhusted. And your sobs will wake the neighbours. In the next town over.

14. If all of this has happened in a 12 hour period, then you really should rethink visiting the Park again this season. Or ever.

Now, please pass the aloe vera. Thanks

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